Hi, I'm new

[FireLoveGoddess]

Hi Sarah,
Many things.. they might sound silly.. but I dont know..
First.. much time has passed.. since we lived together and since we last spoke.. Im afraid, Im afraid of the person he turns into when drugs are on the scene.. which we both know.. lots of things were said and done..
I wanted to have a clear and honest talk with him.. but every time I was going to, he would be that other person who was destroying his own soul, it is that person I love and miss, and there is nothing I can do, he has the power to let his soul live, no one else..
There have been lies too, much hurt, and I am not sure my heart can handle it.. So, teh whole thing is a very long and complicated story with many twists.
In those rare moments that his true soul shined, I was on heaven seven, and i wanted to help, but he wouldnt let me. I was the only one he ever hid it from, which hurt, because I felt I was the only one that can truly be there for him, whatever the situation is, and he knows this.
He also lost everything because of the problem, and his answer for not telling me was because he didnt want to lose me too. I wasnt sure what to believe, only love in my heart, but its just very difficult.. the whole thing..
And I cannot force him, or wouldnt even want to, to be what I know he is and what I wish him to be, well his true self..
In rare moments he ws himself, what we had/have is truly amazing, so what does one do?
I am not glorifying him other, he truly is an amazing soul, with his own issues.
I simply cannot forget how I felt, and I know for my own sanity I have to move on, and many times I thought I have, I thought I have clarified it all in my head and heart, but it feels like he is with me, telling me you cannot forget that, you cannot. And it could all be with my head. But I have dreams, when I least expect them, things remind me of him.. I tried many new relationships, and felt so guilty when I was with anyone, yet I need love.
It feels like a sweet-bitter torture in a way.
He really was the only one that managed to bring my true soul out, and Im miserable without him. We've had conversations, which confirmed what I was feelign and thinking after our separation. But none of it quite goes away.
I was with someone last Summer, and the guy was great, but often I would go to the bathroom, feeling like its all wrong, it should be him in that place. I tried, and still am trying, that is the honest truth, but there is a pull, and it just wont leave me alone.
When we had to say good bye, I felt like my soul was being torn apart, that is the truth, the pain was so unbearable, despite everything, I loved many times in my life and nothing felt so heart wrenching like this.
My friends and family are mostly judgemental of this issue, saying you are better out of it, you deserve better, bla bla, the standard story, and it could be true that the situation was not healthy, but I know who he is, who he was, and who he always will be inside..
And to be honest, I am very very confused, no matter how much I try to talk to myself, nothing works.
Sometimes for months, I will just get on with things, living life as normal as I can, go out, talk to friends, work, travel, but it doesnt last long..

What happened to you Sarah if I may ask?...
Lots of love to you..FLG
Btw. when my inner self woke up, that vision I had, he was in it.. he is in my meditations too, I cannot escape anywhere, if I try, a terrible emptiness envelops me.. and it is awful.

[FireLoveGoddess]

In addition, that is how those 11:11 messages are related to my story, they started happening when I would be having thoughts about him, our life together..
Some weird coincidences happened..The meditation, when my inner self woke up, he was there too, I wrote the date, like I said in my posts, then left it and forgot about it.. A year later, I had a call from him, out of the blue on that exact date, and at that exact time.
I was in town and was very surprised, because I'd already made peace with myself to let him go (even though I was like a dead person walking, lol).. and when we ended the conversation, I suddenly felt very lost.. like I was in another dimension, I just needed to get home as quickly as possible.. I was walking through town, but I didnt feel like I was really there, if that makes sense..
I got home, and something made me look through my notes, then I saw the date, and put two and two together, and I just didnt know what to make of it.
One of my dear spiritual friends said that it is not a coincidence, etc etc.
I did tell him about it, he said he didnt know why he phoned me at that time, he just said he had to..but we never got a chance to talk about it face to face..The whole thing was ever so weird, and overwhelming..
there u have it..
My spiritual teacher says that he is not 'the one' that he just came to wake me up, but I am not sure still..I wish I could believe that. but what we had, will not go away..
FLG

[lilly]

Hi FLG,
People with drug problems can be very nice for the most part but when they don't get the drugs or are affected adversely well that's another story...he must be responsible for his own recovery...you could think about why you need someone with problems you will never be able to 'fix'......Many people fall into the rescuer role and then become the victim. Idealising the relationship is a fantasy......you didn't cause his problem...you can't control it and you certainly can't cure it....We can only control what we do....people pleasing and putting someone else before yourself is not honorable...it's called co dependency....you have a loving heart and wanted so much to make things right....it didn't work....because we have no control over other people or situations in general....When we see clearly what we are doing it suddenly makes sense. For some reason living with an addict of any kind seems to make others around them feel that they are responsible for what's wrong... This doesn't mean we can't still care but we must care for ourselves first.....and set bounderies on what is acceptable behaviour. We deserve a good, happy life...I hope yours follows a direction where you find inner peace and wisdom.
Much Love
lilly xox

[FireLoveGoddess]

Dear Lilly, thank you for your reply. I understand all of it perfectly well, hence why we are not together, and why it can probably never work.Unfortuantely Im aware of it, 100%. It doesnt make me stop loving him, Im not fantasizing.. just am still very much confused. But it did wake me up to what is truly important and got me where I am today, if that makes sense.
I only wonder, how can one meet such a wonderful person only to be faced with something like that, how is that fair?
No, I didnt cause it, and no I couldnt fix it, I agree. The problem was existent for a long time. I just wonder how I got to tangled up and totally confused with it all. And why cant he be the person we all know and love?..It is beyond my understanding..
And truly, without it, he truly is an amazing person, and this is not me making him bigger than he is, I was always quite clear headed of people in my life who even without drugs were not nice people, be it a parent, family, boyfriend, friends..
Lots of love
and thank you for your kind words

[lilly]

Hi FLG,
Something compelled me to log back on the the board... Some alcoholics and addicts are very charismatic..as their disease progresses they are broken down and cracks appear in their behaviour. If we are brought up with an alcoholic or addict in the home...we may find that we feel comfortable with the familiar....sometimes marrying them or becoming one ourselves....If this was in your background...I would read all you can about the disease of addiction or alcoholism. It's like a merry go round with denial at it's centre...once you understand the dynamics of it..well...what a relief it is to know you are not responsible....for anyone but yourself... I spent a long time caretaking people and it can make you sicker than they are.... alcoholics and addicts often have a superior, dismissive attitude which masks their feelings of self hatred and inferiority. But for the Grace of God go I is a wonderful slogan to help us cope. You are very with it and I think what I'm saying you already know. If we don't work ourselves out and heal our codependant tendencies we may attract another one...whether it be an actual partner or friend....workmate....makes one realize how precious the right knowledge can be ....
Love lilly xox

[FireLoveGoddess]

Hey dear Lilly,
You could be right, I could#ve easily been manipulated, I guess I will never know.
Well my grandad died from alcohol,my dad did drink many years ago, and his (my ex) dad had a proper drinking problem.. so you are right, it could all be related..
Maybe, in some way, I wanted to believe love can cure all..who knows..
I take my hat off to you about being a take care, I cant imagine it being easy at all, getting drawn into things like that..
Yes, he did have a dismissive attitude at times, but this drug in particular makes people proper monsters, and because I grew up with aggression and coldness from my father, for me it seemed normal..I dont know..
Do you think that I may have had a codependant tendency? You could be right, but Im not so sure..

I guess it is all very painful whichever way you look at it, because its easy to get sucked into the whole thing..

Tke care Lilly and thank you for your posts, they are helpful
Love FLG

[lilly]

Hi FLG,
It's good to just be aware of the patterns of behaviour. People have free will and once in the grips of an addiction must sometimes hit rock bottom before they hopefully find their own Higher Power. Some poor partner or family is suffering while all this is going on...unwittingly enabling the user to carry on by lending them money, covering up their mistakes and problems, not allowing them to be responsible for actions. In denial that they may be actually helping it to continue.
Love is very powerful and we never stop loving, we just stop trying to manage someone else's affairs. Keeping the focus on ourselves and our own behaviour and feelings is a step in the right direction...if your ex partner doesn't seek sobriety..it's not your fault. Even after a person stops drinking or drugging, the isms of the disease can often remain....they call it a dry drunk....critical, moody, overly sensitive, controlling, low self esteem etc. True sobriety means peace of mind....not just the cessation of drinking or taking drugs. I'm not directing what I've posted at you directly but it may help others who are living with a drinker or drug taker.
Love lilly xox

[FireLoveGoddess]

Hi again Lilly, and once again thank you for your lovely post...

What you said about overly-sensitive, moody, etc etc. At some stage in my life I was that person, but I had no addictions, so it affects all of us..and at the time, I needed very much some attention, love and understanding, someone to listen, none of which I found.. only small hand-fulls.. but I didnt understand myself where all these feelings were coming from.. they still do sometimes.. and Im not an addict of any kind..

All of what you say makes sense, but I must go back to what I said originally, the situation (or him, directly or indirectly) affected my whole being, I truly changed to the beautiful, loving and understanding, wise etc, person, which I was not before. I woke up, and my point is that is when I started getting my 1111 messages, when I woke up to my true inner self, when I realized my own power inside.. and much more.
Whether it was an act on his side, or manipulation, or charm, the fact remains that no one touched the core of my soul that much, never. No one truly paid me the attention that I craved so much, the recognition of my inner beauty. I know this sounds strange, but that is how it happned. He truly truly noticed me, and maybe I got addicted to this too, who knows. I was on heaven seven to be noticed for the first time in my life, like that. You know, when someone truly takes notice of what you are like, what you love, this is rare in anyone's life.. for me, this was amazing.
Sometimes, I just dont know what to feel with it all, and at other times, the overwhelming love I feel for him is just there.
I try not to think about him, or that situation, but some memories are just to strong. And I know, eventually, it will get easier.
The fact remains, that I truly woke up to my spiritual side in that situation, and yes, I was a mess for a while, and at times, the pain that I felt sometimes was just too unbearable. I felt what he felt, I felt it all..good and bad. Never so much with anyone..
But anyway, quite some time has passed, and with each moment I am growing wiser and stronger.
The fact remains that some of the best memories of life I have were with him. Like I said before, in his hug, I felt truly at home, and despite what is going on, I miss that, and no one has come close, and I hope that I will feel like that again... that is all I can say..
My heart remains faithfull to his.. despite what I try to tell it..and sometimes I am not sure how to live with it, that is all.

Lots of love and hugs
FLG

[lilly]

Hi FLG,
*Hugs* back to you too.
Love lilly xox