Heya all, much love and greetings to you...I just wanted to stop in and say hi.
Been working through this nightmare, backsliding, forward, backsliding forward. Been something I've never been acquainted with before, so its definitely not to take "light"...A lot of emotions come and go. It gets pretty bad at times still, and I guess there's just not getting over under or around. Just through.
I have a lot of things to share, philosophical wise, I will be writing...I don't know what kind of trip this life has been, in retrospect, its been one wild ride. I'm just hoping that the future, with better decisions, can bring some peace.
I'm thinking about the lessons in life mostly, for the most part I've had it pretty good in a lot of ways. Traveled, seen the world, experienced a lot of neat things most people wouldn't believe...Now, for "life's" lesson or experience, it seems to be about "pain" and "loss"...My dad passed last year in May, but yanno, this is so much deeper. I never believed in that whole "soul mate" connection thing ever before, until I wound up with Ashley. I got a grief from a ultra religious person over that saying "you had a soul connection" with her, you had a "soul connection" with her. Well? Isn't that what your SUPPOSED to do when you love someone? All because I had "bonded" with her outside of a legal marriage? I "learned" to love. I learned to love her...I gave like never before.
Kind of a huge kick that it ended this way for me though...I don't know how to put that? I just keep on with the "why's" about it...I don't know that its "right" to question God about things, but I sure have been...I don't feel bad about it, I just have unanswered things that torment me over this unimaginable pain that I never ever thought even existed. I know how she felt. And I don't use the drugs or drink. I'm kind of digging it sober, experiencing it for real...Hard to wrap my head around the reality of the person who was my everything just gone...
As it is, and I know it just to be flat out true, I was the catalyst in her demise. Its a bad place to be in, but that's just a "truth"...I'm ok with it to a certain extent, I have no other way to be basically...But cosmically speaking, it seems it was meant for that to happen. Somewhere beyond all of this it seems, to me, that the "lesson" I was to experience was what I AM experiencing?
You people have been on my mind for quite some time...Sorry I haven't been around babbling and what not...LOL...But seriously, my life is changing, I've been working LATE hours every night at my property to get it fixed to sell. I'm changing directions, its time...I wanted Ashley to get into her own business staffing a travel nurse agency, I'm moving into starting something like it...Of course after all this sells. I've not worked to my fullest potential on this trip so far, or is that-not worked at something I've been completely happy with...
Wow, I had a lot of stuff to get out there, seems to have vanished? Then again, I'm beat up tired, and its late here...I'm going to be getting up out and about here
See you all soon BIG HUGS AND LOVE!
D